Artwork by Jean-Pascal Fournier
With The Meaningful Album Series, I want to share why and how an album made an impact on me in my life. 'At The Heart Of Winter', the fifth album by black metal band Immortal from Norway was an eye-opening experience for me. After the hard-hitting albums by Machine Head, I wanted something darker and deeper.
First encounter:
I started to buy these metal compilations to hear what other stuff is out there in the metal world. One of the first compilations I got was 'Victims Of The Bubonic Plague'.
The third song on it was 'Solarfall' by Immortal and I was captivated by it. The opening drum fill, the high guitar tone that sounded like ice crystals, the clean part that conjures up a view of unending fields of ice and that cold dry voice of Abbath. I started to research the band and I learned that the song was on their fifth album 'At The Heart Of Winter', but again, I could not find it anywhere. In the meantime, the strangest thing happened: I made friends who also liked metal. And more importantly, they knew their way around the internet. And I had heard of Napster and downloading songs illegally, but I didn't know how to do that. My friend did and when I asked him to download 'At The Heart Of Winter' he said no problem and the next day he gave me the album on a burned cd.
What I liked about the album:
The overall atmosphere on this record, the coldness, the solitude. I am a visual person and when I listen to this album, I see tundra's, snow, huge glaciers, and an endless deep blue sea. Together with the croaking voice of Abbath, he sounded like a frost giant, this album could not get colder than this.
The most vivid memory of this album:
Despite having friends, I also liked to be alone and back then I liked that too much. When this cd was doing overtime in my portable cd player, I cycled around a lot. Every Sunday I pedaled to the city and walked around. Every shop was closed, there were no people. There was just me, with my headphones on listening to 'At The Heart Of Winter'. On the way back I crossed this tiny bridge and I always stopped in the middle and watched over the water. Then I went to the train station and watched the trains come and go. I was very dramatic. But there was something I needed, and I didn't know what it was. Looking back now, I think I just needed someone to talk to. I kept it all inside, I didn't want to bother my mom and stepdad with my problems, they had enough problems of their own. And I wasn't used to talking about myself and my problems with friends. I just had fun with them and buried my emotions. And when I was alone, I threw every emotion into the music, and it helped me in a way.
Favourite songs and why:
Withstand The Fall of Time:
This is the second greatest song Immortal ever made. There is so much variety in the riffs and they are so melodic and melancholic. The riff that starts at the 3-minute mark gives me chills every time I hear it. It has a certain sadness that always gets me. The lyric 'Still the tundra lay untouched' meant that I will not let anything, or anyone get to me, my heart was an empty endless tundra. I guess that's why it took so long for me to get a girlfriend haha.
Solarfall:
My introduction to Immortal was this song and it is still their strongest and best song ever written. It breathes, climbs, and stays in your mind for a long time. When you can hum a guitar riff, it is a genuinely good one.
What it meant to me:
At home with my mom and stepdad, things were not always going so smoothly, so I would be alone or with my friends and to this very day I have trouble in that department. Because there is Lonely-Me and Friends-Me, and when I listened to 'At The Heart Of Winter', Lonely-Me was having the upper hand, and Friends-Me almost was not there anymore. I felt alone and because I felt that way for quite some time, I was getting used to it and that feeling got deeper. You start to think less about family and friends, and your mind comes up with useless arguments to not stay in contact with them. For a while, I thought that I was going to be alone forever, and I didn't need friends or family. But Friends-Me was still there and when I made new friends in Alkmaar, he whispered 'hey, you have made new friends do not let them go'. And that thought started to evolve and I became aware that making new friends meant something.
And while I am typing this right now, I realize that I was getting back up after the divorce and the aftermath had knocked me down psychologically. Since I was not the same person as I was before it. I created this character for school in Leiden that was funny and entertaining, and a lot of classmates liked that character. But just below the surface there was anguish, self-doubt, guilt, anger, and paranoia. And when I moved to Alkmaar, the character stayed in Leiden, it was based on the people I knew there so it had no effect in another city. I had to create a new one, but I didn't do that. I was tired of acting like everything is alright. So, I became very quiet, and very lonely with my thoughts. And I don't know for how long exactly, but for a long time, these thoughts of loneliness were a normal thing in my brain, I used to push people away who got too close to me. But I didn't push my new friends away. That must have meant something, and now I know it did. Because those friends stayed friends for a long time.
Tracklist:
Withstand The Fall Of Time
Solarfall
Tragedies Blown At Horizon
Where Dark And Light Don't Differ
At The Heart Of Winter
Years Of Silent Sorrow